Returneth of the Meh

The days have turned blurry and the quarantine depression has claimed me on my best days, dear readers, and there is no real way for me to apologize. Honestly, I know we have all felt this way at one time or another over the past year (but please do not think I speak on your behalf, your voice is your own) but I feel the urge to…do a whole lot of nothing. I want to reach out to my friends, but I don’t really know what to say. I want to plan my wedding, but I don’t really know what else to do. I want to tackle my TBR pile, but the hours between the end of my work day and the beginning of sleep keep slipping away as I sift through the personal messages that I’ve ignored for 8+ hours.

In short: I feel meh.

Sure, I go on two to three runs per week and I try to walk around the block (or down to the coffee shop). I even got out of my comfort zone and ran a full downtown loop during the work day this week–and got a pretty okay overall time! Not a personal record or anything, but I am definitely staying within a new, faster ballpark. It feels good to get out and elevate my heart rate. Get those Fitbit Active Zone Minutes.

I’ve been gaming a bit more, and streaming on Twitch. That’s been pretty fun. I joined a Discord server for streamers (The Gamers Coalition) and even got promoted to Staff. It’s all just a hobby at this point, but maybe someday. if my viewership goes up, it could be more.

Maybe.

I know staying inside is what’s best, and I honestly love the home my partner and I have built. But I miss being able to drive over the hill and set up a gathering space. I miss hugging my pagan community and laughing as we set up potlucks. I miss going over to my friends’ houses and playing board games, card games, or whodunit games. I miss showing up for tea time and ending up just working together, enjoying the quiet companionship.

I miss the library while school is in session (even though I don’t go to school anymore).

I miss taking my tablet or computer to a coffee shop, ordering the largest size, and writing for hours.

I just…miss…everything.

And I know it sounds dumb because so many other people feel this way too and I’m not unique in this case. And somehow that just makes me feel worse. Like I’m not worthy enough to feel this way.

But I do. And I will. Until enough of us get the vaccine and things can open up again. Or until I can rewire my extroverted introvert brain into something that doesn’t crave being in the presence of someone outside my household for an hour or two each day.

Maybe it’ll get better soon. I have to hope it’ll get better soon.

We’ve come this far, my friends, and by the gods (or whatever power you please) we’ll make it through.

Stay safe.